Let It Out…

So you’re at lecture, and we’re having a conversation about men and it came out. I told you what I’ve wanted to tell you for months now. I don’t get to see your expression and this sucks. When you get home it might be awkward because I confirmed the secret over a text. This sucks. I wish I was with you in person to see your facial expression. Oh well, there’s no going back and now you know the reasons for me leaving. Breathe by Astrid is playing while i’m currently writing this and It’s so accurate to how I’m feeling right now. You’re literally my best friend, you’re that one person that when I make promises to others to not tell their secrets, you’re the exemption. You’re my person like Christina Yang would say.  Gosh, so many thoughts going through my head right now, a part of me wants to be sleeping so we avoid each other when you get here. A part of me also wants to keep drinking wine and get soo buzzed that when you get home we laugh and enjoy the dinner i’ve made for us. Let’s change this song, it might change my decision. BRO screw Pandora & it’s lame ass commercials. By Your Side -Jonas Blue always seems to make me happy for some reason. I’m happy, sipped the last of the wine in my glass, jumping up and down I open another bottle and pour some more. Note to self- BUY A WINE BOTTLE OPENER*** You say you would do the same, but I know deep down inside you wouldn’t. I’m not ashamed of my decisions, I’m actually very happy and will continue with them. You’ve left lecture and are on your way home, i’m trying to get as many glasses down as I can so that it wont be soo hard to face you sober. I’ve washed dishes, put the dinner in containers. Not sure what to do next. I don’t want to start pacing, I think i’m so nervous because i’m suppose to set an example for you and what type is this ?? **Pouring another glass** This ones a bit stronger. Let me occupy myself with school papers that need to be filled out. (am i even going this semester) ?? Maybe just 1-2 classes. Bro, I just wrote your name and age on paper. It’s so surreal that you’re 19 now. Chugging this before you get here….

 

FaceTime with an Old Face

You’re in Virginia at the day room. We haven’t spoken in a while and you tell me how no one wrote you in basic. A part of me feels guilty because I fit in that crowd. I should have written you, I know if the roles were switched I would be pretty upset. Life teaches you not to expect anything from anyone because it leads to disappointment. We’re connected through two really shitty people who deserve each other but are no longer together. We still manage to keep in contact because we grew and formed a bond. You’re probably the least judgmental person on this planet and yet I still can’t bring myself to tell you what’s going on. I miss you. Life is happening and you are far away. While walking me through your room I realize how different our daily lives are. I’m proud of the person you’re becoming. “1 Team 1 Fight” you continue saying this and it makes me realize how close you guys all become will serving your time. Here, everyone is for themselves. I wish things were similar.

Yours Truly

A letter to 21 year old me

Dear You,

It’s 10:27pm on Sunday and you’re sitting on your red comfy couch. Who knows if you’ll carry these into your future like everything/everyone else around you. You’ve only been 21 for about 35 days now and you don’t feel any different except when your sister consistently reminds you all emotional and what not. “You’re 21 dude, you’re so old and we are going to die soon” **Sobs** When she says this you take a few moments to look back at your life and see how everything has played out. You could say there are somethings you wish you could go back and do differently but you wouldn’t be sitting on your couch at 10:27pm if you did. Everything happens for a reason and you know that. You have this theory in your head which you live by.  We can say after everything you’ve been through, whether it be friends, family, cars, homes, schools you are exactly where you’re meant to be in life right now. You finish your associates this month and also start your transfer to the school you’ve imagined yourself at for the past couple years. It’s exciting but you’re not as excited as you wish you were. A part of you doesn’t even want to go. Listen to the voice inside you, she’s the one who really understands you. To go or to not go ? The ultimate decision maker is you. You know the answer you just want to hear it come from someone else. I’m not sure why because you’re a strong believer in not caring what others think (or at least thats what you want to believe). You have this huge opportunity in front of you but not so sure which road to take. Professor Faison always said “Opportunity only knocks once every ten years and it doesn’t wait for you” and you believe it, you just need to stop trying to convince yourself. Email Faison and get his input maybe that will help you stand by your decision.

Remember your 5 Year Plan girl

Nothing but the truth,

Yourself